Monday, November 1, 2010

A short story

“Grease Eater

Imagine if you will that you’ve just woken up in a pile of leaves on a pleasant fall day in the backyard of a somewhat unpleasant house.  You don’t know quite where you are or how you got there, and you have the odd sensation of having just travelled through virtual time and cyber space.  Loud noises erupt inside, so you go over to investigate.  They’re coming from the living room.  A human sized turkey is running around in circles and loudly mumbling incoherently about having been sent to replace Sukkot.  At this point, a young boy enters from a bedroom.  He has his Super Mr. T shirt on and is wearing a beach towel cape.  A metal pail frames his head, with a toy sword hanging aside.

“You seem to have gotten of thy tonics Daniella of The Dark Meat, but fear not; for I hath the cure and I shall administer it unto you with great haste.”  He begins banging his weapon on his helmet and dances his way to the bird in an attempt to wrestle it, which ends the match by sending him flying into a recliner; knocking it back over.  Luckily he’s alright though, if not a little shaken.  He looks up at you cross-eyed and stutters.  “The prescription is too weak, but oh who shall formulate one for my present condition?”

Someone comes in from the potty, a menacing woman with an angry scowl on her face.  She looks at the fowl and begins to shake her fists while stomping on the floor.  “You’re going to quiet down right now Gertie Birdy or else you’ll get a pounding!”  She ties up her nemesis with toilet paper but stops when she notices he who’s apparently her brother on the floor, who by this point is knocked out.  You think about cautiously retreating too.  “Good, but even for me this is far too twisted; so I’m going to get Daddy-o now!”

As she races upstairs to the loft for their father he comes down to try and control his avian foe, which is showing no signs of slowing down to a jog.  You witness him speak up.  “You’re to do as I say, and I say settle down now!  Yunderstand me bird?”  It gives no answer, so he carefully removes his belt and approaches.  But his pants fall down and he lands on a couch, where it spanks him with a frying pan until he breaks free and gracefully hobbles away.  “You shouldn’t have done that to my bum cheeks a tall, now I’m going to call the authorities.  And you should know they’re going to send you away!”

You tend to his awakening son as he goes back up to his phone, where he criticizes the creature behind its back.  Then it bolts through the kitchen and into the basement, just as a knock is heard at the door:

Daddy-o – “Who’s that at my door, Norris Division?”

Grease eater – “I’m the chief grease eater of the west side, you called me?”

Daddy-o – “Yes”

Grease eater – “Thank you.”

Daddy-o – “It’s in the basement, do you think you can club and eat it?”

Grease eater – “Maybe”

Sonny – “May I view this spectacle, dear sir?”

Grease eater – “You’d better stay up here boy, things might get greasy.”

He slowly makes his way down the stairs and finally comes to the scariest place he’s seen in his entire life, a small den resembling a dungeon.  Kooky noises and mouth farts are coming out of it as he puts his hand on the knob to lock it.  Afterwards he rushes outside and takes off his shirt, followed by the construction of a tent with tree branches right next to an old barbeque.  The propane fumes make you faint, and fall back into the pile of leaves to awaken back home in your own dimension.  Happy Sukkot everyone!                                

No comments:

Post a Comment